Emotions I’m cranky today.
The last couple of weeks have been such an emotional roller coaster ride. I have cried every day. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel guilty all the time – for not being able to provide my baby with a safe environment to continue growing and for leaving him in the hospital on his own. I get excited about the smallest improvement he makes. I’m eternally thankful for the love and support we have been receiving from our families and friends. I am filled with love every time I get to hold my baby. I’m grateful and forever indebted to the RPA Newborn Care department for the support and services they have provided from day 1.
But today, I’m finally feeling angry.
We have graduated to the High Dependency Unit and things are slowly turning a corner, but it’s been a long 15 days. He is finally breathing on his own and slowly increasing his feeds, but still has a long way to go as he is not putting on any weight yet and continues to have small vomits (I’ve been told he just wants to be like his aunty in this aspect – something I could do without for now and in the future – I HATE vomit!)
The doctor said today it’s likely we will be in the HDU for another 1-2 weeks and then we will finally be transferred to our local hospital so he can fatten up and eventually come home. This made me sad, because to be honest, I don’t know how I will cope with another 2 weeks of sitting by his bedside, not being able to hold him when I want to and having to look at him through a glass wall. Another 2 weeks of being away from our home and our families is not a thought I can comprehend at the moment.
I thought about our predicament for a few minutes, cried for at least the hundredth time and then looked around me and realised I was being selfish. There are babies in the HDU who have been there for 40 plus days. Babies who still require assistance breathing and who are still smaller than our little man. Then I think back to our time in the Intensive Care Unit and think how lucky we were to move up so fast. One lady had to move from her home and her other children to be closer to her youngest son, who has been in the ICU for one month and doesn’t look to be moving up anytime soon.
We are all in different situations, but are all experiencing similar feelings; it’s just that most of us keep them to ourselves. We know that everyone is grieving and we keep our thoughts to ourselves. Except that is, for one new mum. She delivered twins yesterday at 34 weeks, both over 3 kilograms. One needed assistance breathing for around 12 hours only. She has 4 kids at home, all who were born slightly premmie. She will get to take her babies home within the next couple of days. She gets to hold her babies and feed them whenever she wants to – they are in a cot, not a crib. They don’t have long lines providing them with nutrients, they aren’t on any medication. As far as the rest of the babies in the HDU are, hers are healthy. And yet today, loud enough for everyone to hear, she spoke of how bad this was for her, how horrible it was seeing her babies like that.
I know it’s not fair of me, but I wanted to scream at her. I wanted her to look around and see what other people were going through and realise that she is actually pretty damn lucky. Mostly though, I wanted her out of the unit – her babies look like new born babies, they are chubby and rosy cheeked and cry all the time.
She has what I didn’t get to experience and I’m jealous and angry at that. I know that this is completely irrational of me to feel like that and I know that she has every right to be concerned about her babies. I know that I am better off than some of the mum’s in the unit. I know that what I felt towards her was actually just me expressing feelings towards our own situation and I know that tomorrow I won’t feel this way. But for today, the feeling on the roller coaster was anger.
Our little boy has come a long way in the 15 days since this all started and I know that we will get there, that our little family will overcome this. It’s just a long and slow battle.